What is the difference between a Loser and a Lover?

   No, no… well, no… close. Look closer; right… it’s in the words. Actually, it’s in the letters. The difference between a Loser and a Lover is 1 letter; the letter S verses the letter V.
   But, that only explains half the story. What else is significant about this? Right, both letters are right in the middle of the words and that is all we need to know in order to understand the differences between the two.

   Let’s begin with the fact that the letters are centralized within the words. What is at the core of a Loser that makes them different than a Lover? The letter S, is probably a good place to start.  In this case, deep inside a loser is a big “S” symbol, not “S” for Superman, but “S” for Sorry. These individuals feel sorry for themselves and have a knack of getting others to feel sorry for them. As far as they’re concerned, pity is as good as love if not better. They don’t know the difference. They will perpetually create situations that will not only have you feel sorry for them but will potentially engage you with their dramatic pity parties. Being professional try-ers, Losers will do just enough to fall just short so that you buy their story as they tell you how hard they ‘tried’.  Oh, and don’t bother trying to shame them, that never works.

   Losers will bring up shame before you ever even have a chance to shame them. “S”hame doesn’t move them like it does a Lover for they have co-opted shame and use it to feel sorry for themselves. They will either point out immediately, “I’m so ashamed”, or agree with you if you are somehow quicker to the draw, “I know, I’m such a Loser”.  Either way they get you or them to feel sorry. It does not matter which one because both are fuel for their engines.

   “S” is also for Snake; they are quite slippery these Losers. They are manipulative and hard to corner. If you come down on them too hard they will somehow manage to get others to defend them, against you, while they slither away.

   How does a Loser have relationships? If you picture the letter S, at the entrance of the Loser’s heart you can begin to see how a relationship develops for them. Imagine trying to enter their heart’s while a “S”erpent is guarding it. It’s’ not going to happen. The best you can hope for is that it embraces you at the entrance. That’s as far as it’s going to let you go. You will never really enter a Loser’s heart; it is far too protected. Lastly, if you try to leave their embrace, before they’re ready, they may potentially squeeze you… until. When they are jealous, it is extreme.

   You might be wondering how Losers ever gets anyone to join them in a relationship. Well, that’s easy, if you’re a romantic or have a hero’s complex, because Losers are extreme Romantics.  They will seduce a fellow romantic through their unfulfilled, yet often told, mother of all tales, story of fight, rescue, love and redemption where you and they will live happily ever after. Unfortunately, after you fall prey to the con job, you’ll be likely to be placed in harms way where you’ll have to be the courageous one if you want to avoid danger or loss. Eventually, you will grow to feel unsafe around Losers because you know that harm can come to you indirectly and directly through them.

   If we have children with Losers they too are unsafe and will eventually have to parent their Loser parent. These children will see the Loser parent as “the good guy/gal” and will come to care for them, granted through pity, forcing them to grow up prematurely. Since Losers are saboteurs this situation often causes them to lose their families… which actually work well for them. This seemingly unfortunate circumstance allows them to spin new tales of wrongs done to them, wrongs which have left them without the ones they love. Finally, around others, they will speak extendedly about their love for their children while hardly ever seeing and/or calling them.

Doesn’t a Loser feel guilty about all this?

   No, these great narcissists only see themselves and their projections, therefore you will not count. They don’t suffer from a great deal of guilt but, they’ll use guilt to hook you. Losers are users who cannot see you therefore, cannot love and since they only know their needs they never give another true attention; unless you pay for it through pity. Then they’ll give you all the fake-attention you want.

   Now, the reason they cannot see and feel you is made apparent when you take an even closer look at what happens at the gates of their hearts. It has to go without saying that if the “S”erpent is guarding the Loser’s heart from others it is also keeping the Losers out. It cannot distinguish the other from the Loser because it is blinded by the power it has accumulated over time and its power has come from its position as protector. Whenever we give up our power to any outside source, we leave ourselves vulnerable to its whims. After   awhile the power corrupts and blinds the power holder.

Could you give an example on how this plays out in life?

   It would be like hiring a mobster to protect and run your successful bar or club. The power that the mobster would receive from this position would be enough for him to want to push you out. So, imagine owning such an entertainment establishment that you have done this with. The mobster, who’s in charge of security and wants to take control, will handle the hiring of its bouncers; the front door men.  He will instruct them to keep you out until they’ve completed the take over.  This is easy for the bouncer, by the way, since most of them are generally only concerned with immediate payoffs.  They can only see and allow in those that feed them instantly, e.g. a big tipper or an attractive female (The tipper immediately pays him and the female will be expected to pay “her entrance fee” by providing the establishment with sexual energy or even sexual favours); everyone else has to wait, especially you. If this doesn’t work and you try to force your way in then they will “put the squeeze on you”. The bouncer will grab you and may literally squeeze you until you give in. If you continue to push then, he will squeeze you until you desist or die.

So, then how exactly does this play out in the Loser’s heart?

   Very similarly, when Losers attempt to re-enter their hearts they will find the “S”erpent wrapping itself around it to protect it. The more Losers push the tighter the “S”erpent squeezes and if Losers push too far and too fast then this will cause… cardiac arrest. But, we’re actually ahead of ourselves here; there are a couple of questions that need to be answered first. Therefore, let’s begin with the most important one, “how do Losers become Losers?” The answer: unresolved grief.

   By the time we’re 13 years old we’ve experienced some form of trauma. This initial extreme hurt sets a pattern of coping that determines whether you take the path of Loser or Lover. Now, what we mean when we speak of coping is, “how did the child, that we once were, handle the trauma?”

   There are 3 distinct reactions a child has to a traumatic event. He goes into Denial, Avoidance or Rationalization and the one he chooses tends to be the one he utilizes for every future trauma. Let’s use, therefore, a hypothetical situation to demonstrate it.  Little Johnny’s mother has just died and his dad is breaking the news

   Dad: “Son, mommy has had an accident and… has died. I’m so sorry… she won’t be coming back to us…”
   (Denial) Little Johnny: No, no, no I just saw her. You’re lying; she’s coming back…leave me alone…”
   (Avoidance) Little Johnny: “Okay, can I go out and play?”
   (Rationalization) Little Johnny: “Is she with God now? Will she be watching over us? …”

   In all three scenarios, when resolution is not reached, grief will not be processed and all the pain will be deposited and locked in the heart. If this pattern continues, over time, the heart becomes the source of pain and the individual will create a life outside of it. When we refuse to look at, handle and heal traumas we become Losers.

   Consequently, when Losers even consider facing their unresolved grief they will find the “S”erpent, playing the bouncer, rearing its ugly head. This usually scares away Losers.  When it doesn’t then they have provoke the “S”erpent who will instantly, go into protect mode. What Losers don’t understand is that the only way to get around this creature is to be like it; but not like it… towards others. Lastly, the way around the “S”erpent is not directly but, indirectly.

   The final question is “how does the serpent come about at all?” Once again, that occurs at the time of the initial trauma when we have abandoned our hearts and have left it exposed to the EGO. I’ll let you fill in the blanks.

   When Losers finally realize they have lost or given away their power and are now residing outside their own hearts, they begin to feel a series of feelings. The first is the primitive feeling of self pity, the earliest and lowest form of self love; this stage may last awhile. But, since this isn’t enough to sustain an adult through the long haul it will eventually lead the Loser to self dislike and even self anger.  As these feeling grow and accumulate evidence, usually through self-fulfilling prophesies, they eventually fall to self hatred and self righteousness. Being blocked out of their own hearts and feeding the “S”erpent continuously with these self destructive feelings, they finally get consumed and go from venomous serpents to fire-breathing dragons. At this point there is no hope for the Loser; the Loser- Dragon will forever more spew bitterness spread vicious gossip and fiery anger upon everyone around them.

   Now, a Lover is completely different…